idolpro | Eclipse's Heart Game ☉ Session #3

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!heart games

Eclipse's Heart Game ☉ Session #3

You drift like you're floating in water. It's almost relaxing, actually. As long as you don't think too hard that what you're floating in may be bottomless, because under you lies only a deep darkness that only the ocean can provide.

Then something grabs you and drags you deeper, down, down, down into the abyssal depths. You can't breathe, but that's not on the forefront of your mind now, is it?

There is a mounting sense of anxiety and dread.

Who do you want to become? Will you even get to see tomorrow? What if all roads lead to ████████? Can you still stay '███'? If people see the ████ you, will they think less of you? Will they feel cheated?

You want to live. Even if it's a ███, even if your hands must be covered in █████, you want to live. You want to be '███'.

Finally, a voice pierces through the darkness. It's a woman's voice.

"My, how unfortunate. Your journey ends before it even begins."

"... Just kidding. That would be terribly boring! I suppose I can do the boy a favour just this once."

You feel someone grab your arm and pull you up to the surface.

...

When you come to, you are standing somewhere else.

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"When you live long enough to be genuinely considered elderly, it's an accomplishment, and like hell am I not going to be proud of it."

He pauses to take another drag.

"That's one thing. He hates that in this place, death is 'cheap', but he especially hates how that wormed its way into rationalising self-sacrifice. That's what he felt, anyway." He blows more smoke, looking into the cloud. "The frustration at feeling like his own sharp edges, harshness, and pragmatism weren't understood by the people he wanted to be able to trust, because at the end of the day he was working off an entirely different set of values. Even though those days are supposed to behind him now."

Edited 2021-01-29 14:26 (UTC)

Ah. That is another difference. Old people all over the place back home. Kind of easy to forget how dangerous health issues were in the past.

To be fair. [He picks ups the slat about kindness and strength.] There are games where there is no choice, but to die a horrible death. [He can still remember all the blood.] Because someone said and you have to remember it. Death might be cheap, but trauma always sticks. Trauma people have to deal with, one way or the other.

Self sacrificers are used to making their personal problems 'nothing.' That's the way to deal with trauma. Its how they take control. Its only expected they make their death nothing. And make it sound fine, make it about saving.

There's a strong possibility the way he thought was just as scary to them as their thoughts were scary to him. Because he fears death, he wants to avoid it, and sometimes you can't, and when you deal with something by making it nothing, making it something is terrifying.

Just like the thought of them suffering and dying terrified him. That they could be ojay with it because it means they won't care for themselves. Because they'll hurt themselves and him by thrir greayer good.

"'Health issues' include the risk of early death through misadventure or misfortune, of course."

There's a long pause as he listens to S. Then, he exhales and blows out another column of smoke, but this one doesn't smell like tobacco at all -- it's all ashen and a little like incense, coming from something far more unnatural within him. Like how in Eclipse's memory he was blowing ashen smoke when they learnt about that terrible history. It seems he's wondering if he should say what he ends up saying next.

"He'd feel like he was the bad guy for being willing to hurt and kill in games if it meant keeping them safe. That his understanding of 'do or die', 'kill or be killed', 'look after ourselves first' was unreasonable and harsh. He got angry and frustrated because he cared, but... Well, he doesn't actually know what some of them were thinking, so I sure as hell can't say."

"... They told him they were a family, but he felt that they were more concerned about all their relations elsewhere. It was hard to feel like they would look out for him when they'd throw themselves on their swords for someone else, and he'd end up being unfortunate collateral damage if he happened to be there."

"That should be behind him. Most of the people he cared about from that time are gone now. He can call the lot of you wizards and witches 'family', even if it's not entirely true in some ways. But some things just leave scars even if he wants to say they're old news."

Also that, though that is a little bit more of a choice.

[There is a long silence at that, twisting the slat between his fingers.]

Family is a heavy word. It's not one to use lightly. Unfortunately, the way of family is sometimes you hurt each other, trying to do what you think is the right thing. A lot of the time, you can't even be sure if it's the right thing, if its worth it.

My father could die in a ditch for all I care. I'd move heaven and earth for my mother. But I also lie to her to protect her and I....don't know if that's the thing I should do. [It's very much a Canon Struggle.]

But...when it comes to family, there isn't 'old news.' Even if you're not haunted, there's still something in that that gets bitter and angry. I might not have 'daddy issues' [He has daddy issues] But the amount I don't care if he lives or dies says something. I care more about strangers then him.

If he took it into his heart, being a family, of course it would hurt. And of course it wouldn't stop by now, it hasn't been near long enough.

Bluntly: "Boy, anyone who says they don't have 'daddy issues' almost certainly does."

"Like I said, 'AlcheME' is his 'family' now, and he's more comfortable with you and them. He knows what to expect, generally. It's just that his experiences with 'kind' and 'good' people who want to believe that they're doing the right thing, and being misunderstood because he's not exactly a gentle person have left their marks on him."

And its thinking like that, that made it so easy for my mom to believe my moonlighting as some kinda monster secret keeper was just me acting out because dear old dad ditched us years ago.

New family also doesn't cancel out old. Doesn't cancel out the scars. The fact he feels he has to be on guard for anyone he might call family says somethings wrong. [Pause.] No, not wrong. Hurt. Hurting still.

What kind of strength? [He holds up the slat with "Kindness without strength is meaningless."]

"Doesn't mean it isn't also true." That's all he has to say about that.

"Strength of will; conviction." He sighs, bowing more smoke. "The ability and means to realise the things he wishes to accomplish, be it through literal strength, cunning, acumen, connections -- that is what strength means in Wu-Jian."

Good luck proving it.

So a genuine attempt of kindness holds no meaning? Not....thoughts and prayers sort, lip service, but like....tries to come help you solve a problem, but not smart enough for it or something.

"Think of it this way: if your attempt to be kind ends up causing harm or worsens things, or you give him some half-hearted bullshit, then he's not going to give much of a damn about your good intentions. Kindness needs some steel to it to make a meaningful difference."

I suppose I can get that.

Just sometimes trying to help can sometimes not work out, even if it doesn't hurt. Kind of a concern with the rest of this stuff.

Eclipse is pretty intense.

"Living in a place like Creation tends to do that. Most important is that someone takes responsibility for their actions."

Responsibility for their actions...that is a good policy.

Though if you're taking responsibility, you do kind of need to be fully aware of them.

"That's one of the hardest parts, isn't it.

... Anyway, he's been having a fit over his name, and it's getting ridiculous."

Smooth subject change. [Teen boy Will Sass.]

What's up with his name?

"There's not much more for us to say on the topic now, is there?

He unwittingly set himself up for a punchline where he's named Eclipse and is also a Solar of the Eclipse caste, so he feels extremely foolish right now. And he got the name from someone he now deeply dislikes, which adds to him being sour about it."

Edited 2021-02-01 12:23 (UTC)

He reallt has that hard of a time seeing kindness in himself, huh?

Well, if Eclipse is a nickname, why not use his real name?

"It's not so much a nickname as it was, for a time, the only name he had. Though he remembers his original name now and it'd be simple to just take it back.

But no, he has to be a godsdamn idiot about it."

What are his feelings on it? What's the whole conflict?

"...All the people he cherishes but who have since left that city would only know him by 'Eclipse', except for one of them. There's no way for him to tell them his name, since the Production loves to give helpful 'corrections'."

And I guess Spring Born Wind also has issues.

....he could lean into that. Third option.

The Production likes Unit Themes, doesn't it?

"Spring Born Wind isn't even his name, and he's inherited enough shit from her already. His real name is one he has more reasons to prefer, he just feels like he shouldn't let go of 'Eclipse'.

... If you're going to suggest a letter name, you'll have to understand he spent a really long time identifying everyone on AlcheME by the sounds because he doesn't know shit about their alphabet."

Honestly, its kind of funny we're using the European alphabet I think only L, Tea, and I are from a country that does use it.

And to be honest, the only letters that are free that I can remember off the top of my head is R and Z.

"Not Z. Apparently some of the previous members may have been responsible for a cult involving a semi-fictional daughter named Z."

He says this so dryly it's like he can't believe those are actual words he can say.

....man, Alcheme's real big on the cult stuff.

What is his real name anyway? I mean, there's Spring Born Wind and Black Hound and Crane, is he named after an animal or a color?

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Eclipse's Heart Game ☉ Session #3

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