There is no one around you. You are all alone. You are alone. You are
Are you?
Loneliness and solitude; such feelings can only be defined by knowing there are others like you. By knowing you are part of a greater whole.
Are you?
What can a star know of loneliness? What does it care for other stars? They are all of them, each and every one, unique, closed off in worlds of their own.
What is it, to be alone? What is it, to feel it? After all, a feeling is nothing more than—
—in the knowledge of one world, a chemical reaction in the brain. In the knowledge of another, a change in the flow of aether. Anger, joy, loneliness, love - at their core, they are the same.
At the core, any change is the same as other change. What difference does the nature, the effect of the change make?
The knowledge descends upon you, wrapping you up in itself. There is no true difference between the death of a man and the death of a star. And there is no grief nor hope in that ending. One man, hundred, thousand, million, beyond - a slight change in physical composition, and all become simply things, food for other creatures, the soil, the plants.
That's all they've ever truly been, a collection of matter.
[is...is this how he feels? This endless void? This solitude? Emptiness? Loneliness?
She can't say that she doesn't understand. Who is she meant to be? She keeps chasing pieces of herself, of her past, especially where her dearest brother is concerned. She can't stop, she won't, but she also wants to move forward. She might, just might have a future as well.]
I like parfaits and new experiences, causing trouble and my friends. I do my best even when it's not good enough. I like the water and I live for music, for beautiful words and ugly ones, and dance.
And I like you, Vivi. So much. So very, very much. It hurts, sometimes, but in a way I would never trade for anything. People come and go, but I don't want to be without you.
Though there is no sound here, Lily's words take some kind of shape, existence. And though the space around her is just as vast as before, it is perhaps a little less cold.
But the void is not filled so easily. It sucks her words away, waves of indifference washing over the universe again.
Yet not all change is undone. There is a feeling, faint and feeble, that maybe there will be something at the end of the road.
For a while there is nothing but silence, before that strange pressure returns. After all, compared to eternity, your life is but a brief moment. How much weight will that caring hold? How long will you remember and feel?
If there is no weight to it, then why do you bother? And if it would mean something, how would you pay for the emptiness that will be left after you are gone?
[And then she starts to recite so completely from the heart:]
You are a firework An ephemeral beauty shining bright and so loud Time will claim your silence Until then you dance on a black stage Your twirls explode colour
Dressed in eternity and ambivalence The audience is unmoved They've seen it all But you don't give a damn that they don't This dance is for you
For you are a blaze Of love and rage and hope and sadness and joy And, and, and You're so fit to burst with it all So you do Becoming an almighty conflagration of radiant defiance
The audience is silent But it doesn't matter If only for moments The stage is awash in your colours
You have it backward! We matter because we do. However fragile, however fleeting, we matter! That indifferent eternity, that unfathomable "forever"? It's jealous, it only wishes it could have what we do! It doesn't grow, it doesn't change, it just stretches. Our lives are colour, are music, and even after we're gone, we never truly are, because our voices echo across time and fill that emptiness!
Once again there is silence, as though of someone - something - taken aback. But in the next moment...
...there is a feeling of fury.
Little thing, little thing, thinking so highly of yourself. What do you know of eternity? You hide in your small world, build your shell of words and convince yourself they are reality. You draw a circle in the sand and declare that it is the world. Do you even know how many lives are extinguished each moment? You close your mind to it. As if you could ever bear the weight of that knowledge. As if you could ever be strong enough.
The feeling presses down on Lily, that mute, insulted rage. But at the same time it seems... as though there are more stars in the sky. Weak, tiny golden lights...
No, not stars. More like tiny fireflies, motes of dust that seem to glow, drifting slowly through the space around Lily.
From somewhere far behind her there is a barely audible sound - like of the waves washing a shore, or leaves whispering in the wind. And together with that sound comes... a feeling, perhaps a thought - just as feeble and minute as the tiny lights, as the quiet sound, but it is there.
[Being thought of as a thing hits too close to home, but she sets it aside. That fury is oppressive and she grits her teeth as it bears down upon her. She feels a tightness in her chest and her knees quiver with the weight of such anger, but they do not buckle and she does not give in to the despair most assuredly behind the rage.
She reaches out to those lights, those gentle, comforting things with open and welcome arms.]
It's fine not to be...but you are, Vivi. There are different ways to be strong. You're still here. You're still moving forward. And you're not alone.
One of the lights drifts closer to her, setting down on her hand, flickering gently. There's a modicum of warmth to it... and Lily is warm, too.
The void, meanwhile, grows more agitated - there are no longer any words left in it, just pure rage. From somewhere far ahead comes the sound of breaking glass - a crack, another, ringing in the silence... before it speeds up, more and more cracks spreading through the universe until it's nothing but the continuous thunder and screech of destruction, all aimed towards Lily.
The sky, the earth, even the air itself seems to crack around her, as though being crushed in a giant fist, pressure bearing down on her again, the spiderwebs of fracturing reality reaching her fingertips--
--there is still that speck of light on her hand. It... seems a little bit bigger than before - a tiny butterfly, wings opening and closing. For a moment, there's a sensation of someone's hand on her shoulder, a feeling of someone being there.
All that fury, anger, pain, despair gathers in one spot, slamming into Lily like a meteor into the atmosphere. There is nowhere else for it to go, after all.
But even as the impact throws Lily back, jolting through her body, her soul, there is still the feeling of invisible arms around her - gentle, supportive.
She is not alone in weathering this, either.
Yet she made the choice to accept it, too, to take in this void of despair and grief and loneliness. There is so much pain here, the mourning for things, thoughts, people that are gone, taken away. For a world lost with no chance for it to return; like looking upon a barren wasteland and remembering a home that once stood there, the love and kindness that once blossomed.
But the house you've built is gone, long since rotted and crumbled, and the trees you have planted are dry, empty husks, and the people you loved never got to finish their stories.
What can you do?
The rains have ceased and we are blessed with another beautiful day. But you are not here to see it.
Those gentle arms holding her, helping her...she doesn't feel like she deserves them. She's failed them. She's failed all of them and now they'll never know, they'll never see....
She stands there just breathing. She does not cry. Why is she not crying? The pressure is there, so hard it is a wonder her head does not split in two. She wants to scream, she wants to heave, she wants to shout. But she is not crying.
Ah.
She cannot.
She needs to fix this. No, no, no, this is not right. Things cannot stay like this. Even if she's failed so terribly, it's her responsibility to put it right. It's the least she can do, what she's supposed to do--
And if things do stay like this? If your effort goes nowhere? Where will your grand speeches and hopes be then, little thing? When it's all over, and you've failed, and it was all for nothing - what will you do then?
The bitter fury feels like claws digging into Lily's skin, deeper and deeper, as though aiming to crush her heart. The little light in her hands goes frantic at the pressure, darting here and there blindly as though it can do something to protect her.
"I won't know until I've tried. Until I've given everything I have and then given more." That's right, that's right, she'll toil until she's hollowed out because if she can't undo it, she'll start over, because she has to. She doesn't get to stop. That's not her job.
She hisses in pain, but she weathers it.
"Vivi..." she smiles through the agony. "Vivi, it's okay." Does she mean his despair, or the light in her hands? Does it really matter?
She needs to know everything, how deeply this goes. How can she claim to understand him otherwise? But still she'll keep going.
"I told you this before: everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end. If I come to a point where my efforts are dust on the wind, then I'll chase down every speck and build on them. Start over."
But there is nothing to return to, nothing to start over, nothing--
The anger... drains away, shatters, a mere shell over deep, terrible grief and despair. Nothing, nothing left, nowhere to go, no new future to build - only the sorrow and bone-deep weariness.
If we cannot return, let us rest. Let us sleep, and never dream. Let us fade away, remnants of an all too distant past, unfit for the world anymore.
"I am sorry, but I think...I want to be selfish." For once, Kyanite says in her head. "I do not want to let you go."
Promises aren't a kindness, so she won't make any she cannot keep.
"No." She shakes her head. Have some conviction. Be honest.
Want something.
"I really, really do not, so don't ask me to. Memories are legacies, they are fragile, but powerful and important and we should keep them close to our hearts, but I don't want you to be just that. I want you here with me. I want to laugh with you and cry with you and see your smile and hold and kiss every one of your fingers and listen to your bad jokes." She rubs her hands over her eyes, and they brim with tears.
"I want you to rest your head in my lap when your sorrows are too much to bear, to be your pieces when you think parts of you are missing until you can find them again. I want to make love and be one with you when you're ready for that again and to count the stars after we're done." She cries now, earnestly.
"I want to see that face you make when you get into trouble, I want to be with you when you're get into it, to hear you debate intelligently, to hear you debate the dumbest, most dangerous, yet endearing things like--like why you should lick frozen poles, actually! Why would they make them so lickable if you shouldn't do that! Or why you should eat litres of ice cream at once and if at the end of brainfreeze there is some kind of enlightenment and you should absolutely keep doing that thing or something! I don't--I don't know, anything--" She gets louder and louder, almost hyperventilating and laughing and yet still so very clear before she is harsh and defiant.
"So Don't ASK ME TO LET YOU GO WHEN YOU'RE STILL HERE WITH ME!"
She's crying and it's not really pretty this time, it's ugly and honest and snotty and she wipes away her tears after enough time.
"I can't promise to bring and your beautiful world back. Your wonderful, wonderful people, your splendid culture, and everything you love. I am here to learn what that's like for you, but this is not my pain, in the end. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that they're gone, that you're gone, and that you're hurting so much for it."
"I'm just asking...please...I want to try something, anything, because I don't want to...be without you. Whatever it takes."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Are you?
Loneliness and solitude; such feelings can only be defined by knowing there are others like you. By knowing you are part of a greater whole.
Are you?
What can a star know of loneliness? What does it care for other stars? They are all of them, each and every one, unique, closed off in worlds of their own.
And you, too, are unique.
Unique, individual, singular, solitary.
Ah, there is no one like you.
Do you go on?
no subject
no subject
—in the knowledge of one world, a chemical reaction in the brain. In the knowledge of another, a change in the flow of aether. Anger, joy, loneliness, love - at their core, they are the same.
At the core, any change is the same as other change. What difference does the nature, the effect of the change make?
The knowledge descends upon you, wrapping you up in itself. There is no true difference between the death of a man and the death of a star. And there is no grief nor hope in that ending. One man, hundred, thousand, million, beyond - a slight change in physical composition, and all become simply things, food for other creatures, the soil, the plants.
That's all they've ever truly been, a collection of matter.
As are you.
Can you want to go on?
weee i am not getting notifs
Still, she presses on.]
DENIED THE LILYVIVI THERAPY/TRAUMA SESSION
And it feels as though with every step it grows bigger - or perhaps you grow smaller. Only a piece of the world. Only a piece.
Do you remember anything about you?
no subject
She can't say that she doesn't understand. Who is she meant to be? She keeps chasing pieces of herself, of her past, especially where her dearest brother is concerned. She can't stop, she won't, but she also wants to move forward. She might, just might have a future as well.]
I like parfaits and new experiences, causing trouble and my friends. I do my best even when it's not good enough. I like the water and I live for music, for beautiful words and ugly ones, and dance.
And I like you, Vivi. So much. So very, very much. It hurts, sometimes, but in a way I would never trade for anything. People come and go, but I don't want to be without you.
I am Lilith's Kiss.
no subject
But the void is not filled so easily. It sucks her words away, waves of indifference washing over the universe again.
Yet not all change is undone. There is a feeling, faint and feeble, that maybe there will be something at the end of the road.
Do you go on?
no subject
no subject
For a while there is nothing but silence, before that strange pressure returns. After all, compared to eternity, your life is but a brief moment. How much weight will that caring hold? How long will you remember and feel?
If there is no weight to it, then why do you bother? And if it would mean something, how would you pay for the emptiness that will be left after you are gone?
1/3
2/3
You are a firework
An ephemeral beauty shining bright and so loud
Time will claim your silence
Until then you dance on a black stage
Your twirls explode colour
Dressed in eternity and ambivalence
The audience is unmoved
They've seen it all
But you don't give a damn that they don't
This dance is for you
For you are a blaze
Of love and rage and hope and sadness and joy
And, and, and
You're so fit to burst with it all
So you do
Becoming an almighty conflagration of radiant defiance
The audience is silent
But it doesn't matter
If only for moments
The stage is awash in your colours
3/3
no subject
...there is a feeling of fury.
Little thing, little thing, thinking so highly of yourself. What do you know of eternity? You hide in your small world, build your shell of words and convince yourself they are reality. You draw a circle in the sand and declare that it is the world. Do you even know how many lives are extinguished each moment? You close your mind to it. As if you could ever bear the weight of that knowledge. As if you could ever be strong enough.
The feeling presses down on Lily, that mute, insulted rage. But at the same time it seems... as though there are more stars in the sky. Weak, tiny golden lights...
No, not stars. More like tiny fireflies, motes of dust that seem to glow, drifting slowly through the space around Lily.
From somewhere far behind her there is a barely audible sound - like of the waves washing a shore, or leaves whispering in the wind. And together with that sound comes... a feeling, perhaps a thought - just as feeble and minute as the tiny lights, as the quiet sound, but it is there.
Is it such a bad thing, not to be strong?
no subject
She reaches out to those lights, those gentle, comforting things with open and welcome arms.]
It's fine not to be...but you are, Vivi. There are different ways to be strong. You're still here. You're still moving forward. And you're not alone.
no subject
The void, meanwhile, grows more agitated - there are no longer any words left in it, just pure rage. From somewhere far ahead comes the sound of breaking glass - a crack, another, ringing in the silence... before it speeds up, more and more cracks spreading through the universe until it's nothing but the continuous thunder and screech of destruction, all aimed towards Lily.
Push her out, make her leave, make her go.
no subject
no subject
--there is still that speck of light on her hand. It... seems a little bit bigger than before - a tiny butterfly, wings opening and closing. For a moment, there's a sensation of someone's hand on her shoulder, a feeling of someone being there.
no subject
[She smiles at the sensation, so full of warmth and love at that hand, and cradles the light to her heart.]
no subject
But even as the impact throws Lily back, jolting through her body, her soul, there is still the feeling of invisible arms around her - gentle, supportive.
She is not alone in weathering this, either.
Yet she made the choice to accept it, too, to take in this void of despair and grief and loneliness. There is so much pain here, the mourning for things, thoughts, people that are gone, taken away. For a world lost with no chance for it to return; like looking upon a barren wasteland and remembering a home that once stood there, the love and kindness that once blossomed.
But the house you've built is gone, long since rotted and crumbled, and the trees you have planted are dry, empty husks, and the people you loved never got to finish their stories.
What can you do?
The rains have ceased and we are blessed with another beautiful day. But you are not here to see it.
Those gentle arms holding her, helping her...she doesn't feel like she deserves them. She's failed them. She's failed all of them and now they'll never know, they'll never see....
She stands there just breathing. She does not cry. Why is she not crying? The pressure is there, so hard it is a wonder her head does not split in two. She wants to scream, she wants to heave, she wants to shout. But she is not crying.
Ah.
She cannot.
She needs to fix this. No, no, no, this is not right. Things cannot stay like this. Even if she's failed so terribly, it's her responsibility to put it right. It's the least she can do, what she's supposed to do--
YOU ARE STILL VERY RUDE TO ME
The bitter fury feels like claws digging into Lily's skin, deeper and deeper, as though aiming to crush her heart. The little light in her hands goes frantic at the pressure, darting here and there blindly as though it can do something to protect her.
I AM STILL LAUGHING FOREVER
She hisses in pain, but she weathers it.
"Vivi..." she smiles through the agony. "Vivi, it's okay." Does she mean his despair, or the light in her hands? Does it really matter?
She needs to know everything, how deeply this goes. How can she claim to understand him otherwise? But still she'll keep going.
"I told you this before: everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end. If I come to a point where my efforts are dust on the wind, then I'll chase down every speck and build on them. Start over."
youre mean!!! and lily is gay!!!
The anger... drains away, shatters, a mere shell over deep, terrible grief and despair. Nothing, nothing left, nowhere to go, no new future to build - only the sorrow and bone-deep weariness.
If we cannot return, let us rest. Let us sleep, and never dream. Let us fade away, remnants of an all too distant past, unfit for the world anymore.
no subject
Promises aren't a kindness, so she won't make any she cannot keep.
"No." She shakes her head. Have some conviction. Be honest.
Want something.
"I really, really do not, so don't ask me to. Memories are legacies, they are fragile, but powerful and important and we should keep them close to our hearts, but I don't want you to be just that. I want you here with me. I want to laugh with you and cry with you and see your smile and hold and kiss every one of your fingers and listen to your bad jokes." She rubs her hands over her eyes, and they brim with tears.
"I want you to rest your head in my lap when your sorrows are too much to bear, to be your pieces when you think parts of you are missing until you can find them again. I want to make love and be one with you when you're ready for that again and to count the stars after we're done." She cries now, earnestly.
"I want to see that face you make when you get into trouble, I want to be with you when you're get into it, to hear you debate intelligently, to hear you debate the dumbest, most dangerous, yet endearing things like--like why you should lick frozen poles, actually! Why would they make them so lickable if you shouldn't do that! Or why you should eat litres of ice cream at once and if at the end of brainfreeze there is some kind of enlightenment and you should absolutely keep doing that thing or something! I don't--I don't know, anything--" She gets louder and louder, almost hyperventilating and laughing and yet still so very clear before she is harsh and defiant.
"So Don't ASK ME TO LET YOU GO WHEN YOU'RE STILL HERE WITH ME!"
i'm nice and also 2/2
"I can't promise to bring and your beautiful world back. Your wonderful, wonderful people, your splendid culture, and everything you love. I am here to learn what that's like for you, but this is not my pain, in the end. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that they're gone, that you're gone, and that you're hurting so much for it."
"I'm just asking...please...I want to try something, anything, because I don't want to...be without you. Whatever it takes."
I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING!!!!!!!
YOU ARE DEFINITELY CRYING
i am NOT and you can't prove anything
https://i.gyazo.com/adbf4fa5d0d6d5fd8d35659771ab812b.png
(Anonymous) - 2021-06-10 16:06 (UTC) - Expandhttps://i.gyazo.com/adbf4fa5d0d6d5fd8d35659771ab812b.png
WOW THAT WAS UNRELATED to that particular tag
mmmmhhmmmm u tell urself that
RUDE.
i'm nice
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)