cracks knuckles hope you're ready to possibly die, Emet
There's a lot.
He misses Emet - terribly, all the more so after getting back the memories of their youth, remembering how happy and comfortable he felt with him. But now it feels like there is always a wall between them, one that neither of them knows how to breach, one that makes even the most well-intended words and actions awkward. It feels terrible, and Levity doesn't know what to do about it - all he can do is try to ignore it, tell himself that it's fine and he should just keep trying to reach out, that it will be fine in the end. But underneath that is a deep fear, one that Levity can't admit even to himself: that perhaps they will never be such close friends again. That perhaps something has broken, and in their attempts to fix it they only break it further. It's terrifying; he doesn't want that to happen. But he does not know what to do.
And there is a particular memory that Levity keeps clinging to - the warmth of it, of being welcomed and feeling welcome; desire and determination to catch up with both Alexander and Cosmo and take his place by their side again.
But maybe something went wrong. Maybe he is wrong, just a pale, awkward imitation of the real Hythlodaeus, like the things from Alexander's nightmares. Levity doubts himself, his own steps and choices; whenever he's with Alexander, he feels so anxious and awkward, all too aware of the fact that he could hurt Alexander somehow, and likely never know it. Watching his own movements, thoughts, actions, all the time, in vain hope that he's doing things right - or at the very least, things that won't hurt Alexander too much. But the others doubt him, too, Five in particular doubts him brutally, and Levity feels as though he's being directed towards hurting Alexander no matter what; like being caught in a current, where struggling is useless and only makes it worse.
But amidst the fear and confusion there are other things, too - particularly a resolution, should he ever be witness to Alexander arguing with or misunderstanding someone else, to try and help them make up: reach out, talk to both, make them understand one another. Close to what he would have wanted for Alexander to do for him and Absinthe, but he's come to understand that perhaps that is not something Alexander can do anymore, or ever did in the first place.
There is frustration, too, but as of yet something Levity has not had the chance to understand or vocalize yet. But there is a feeling that he's being coddled by the Ascians; that they never would tell him if he was doing something wrong in their eyes, and that they would simply accept him as an enemy or someone who does not care for them, should his actions ever go too far. He wants to be told if he's ever doing something wrong, to be corrected. He does not know how else he is meant to grow: the other two always seem determined to leave him to his own devices, fearing influencing him, but he feels all the more uncertain for that. It's the mortals of this place that he has to learn from now, but the more Levity adopts the mortal ways of thinking, the further he feels from Amaurot, the more he fears being unable to return home.
And for the last, curious and unregarded even by Levity himself, there's a tinge of some kind of jealousy towards Five, though it's very hard to tell which kind. Not even Levity knows, and he's mostly unaware of the feeling, but he does envy Five and Alexander their closeness.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: BUREAU: HALL OF THE SPECTATOR
Re: BUREAU: HALL OF THE SPECTATOR
There's a lot.
He misses Emet - terribly, all the more so after getting back the memories of their youth, remembering how happy and comfortable he felt with him. But now it feels like there is always a wall between them, one that neither of them knows how to breach, one that makes even the most well-intended words and actions awkward. It feels terrible, and Levity doesn't know what to do about it - all he can do is try to ignore it, tell himself that it's fine and he should just keep trying to reach out, that it will be fine in the end. But underneath that is a deep fear, one that Levity can't admit even to himself: that perhaps they will never be such close friends again. That perhaps something has broken, and in their attempts to fix it they only break it further. It's terrifying; he doesn't want that to happen. But he does not know what to do.
And there is a particular memory that Levity keeps clinging to - the warmth of it, of being welcomed and feeling welcome; desire and determination to catch up with both Alexander and Cosmo and take his place by their side again.
But maybe something went wrong. Maybe he is wrong, just a pale, awkward imitation of the real Hythlodaeus, like the things from Alexander's nightmares. Levity doubts himself, his own steps and choices; whenever he's with Alexander, he feels so anxious and awkward, all too aware of the fact that he could hurt Alexander somehow, and likely never know it. Watching his own movements, thoughts, actions, all the time, in vain hope that he's doing things right - or at the very least, things that won't hurt Alexander too much. But the others doubt him, too, Five in particular doubts him brutally, and Levity feels as though he's being directed towards hurting Alexander no matter what; like being caught in a current, where struggling is useless and only makes it worse.
But amidst the fear and confusion there are other things, too - particularly a resolution, should he ever be witness to Alexander arguing with or misunderstanding someone else, to try and help them make up: reach out, talk to both, make them understand one another. Close to what he would have wanted for Alexander to do for him and Absinthe, but he's come to understand that perhaps that is not something Alexander can do anymore, or ever did in the first place.
There is frustration, too, but as of yet something Levity has not had the chance to understand or vocalize yet. But there is a feeling that he's being coddled by the Ascians; that they never would tell him if he was doing something wrong in their eyes, and that they would simply accept him as an enemy or someone who does not care for them, should his actions ever go too far. He wants to be told if he's ever doing something wrong, to be corrected. He does not know how else he is meant to grow: the other two always seem determined to leave him to his own devices, fearing influencing him, but he feels all the more uncertain for that. It's the mortals of this place that he has to learn from now, but the more Levity adopts the mortal ways of thinking, the further he feels from Amaurot, the more he fears being unable to return home.
And for the last, curious and unregarded even by Levity himself, there's a tinge of some kind of jealousy towards Five, though it's very hard to tell which kind. Not even Levity knows, and he's mostly unaware of the feeling, but he does envy Five and Alexander their closeness.