idolpro | Levity heart game - Saturday session

The clouds in the distance are sssslowly getting closer.

"i know. and feel. i am... a piece."

He pauses, bringing a hand to his chest.

"piece of... levity. and levity, of hythlodaeus. things become... lost, and forgotten. and nowhere to go back to."

...that's who you were before? Hythlodaeus?

You know, I ran into some old friends, recently, who knew a lot more about me than I knew about myself. They were expecting someone a bit different, I think. I promise I'm going somewhere with this.

"hythlodaeus... was first. and i wish... to come back. be him again."

He watches Hope politely as she speaks. That's... something he's familiar with too, really.

"alexander... friend of hythlodaeus. long ago. perhaps he... expects someone else, too."

So, you could say this is... trying to take more pieces of that self-that-was into you. To try and be that person again.

Does that expectation weigh on you?

He shake his head.

"not... weigh. want to be. but... damaged."

...

"it is... scary. not to be yourself. never again."

Mm... so it is, isn't it?

I wonder, though—is it "not being yourself," or is it "being yourself, who has changed"?

...

"all change... is death of something."

But it can be the birth of something else. That which ceases to change is truly dead, is it not?

He smiles.

"a mortal... view."

It's my choice to keep it that way.

I don't like the kind of thinking that comes along with accepting oneself as immutable, immortal though I may be.

Gently, Birdity lies back down on the sand, staring up at the clouded sky.

"different... worlds. for us, to change... so quickly... is to lose oneself. may we not live... in a way we are meant to?"

He chuckles, bitterly, almost tearfully.

"but of course... we may not. and thus, we end."

[

she pulls her knees up to her chest. ]

...what was the way you feel you were meant to live, then?

Thunder rumbles in the distance. In a sense, it's almost... peaceful. Calm before the storm.

He's quiet for a time, as though struggling for words.

"...peaceful. understanding. everyone, part of... whole. to be apart... alone... is torture."

"even... mortals feel it. fear, of solitude. need... to connect. with others. but... so much greater for us."

...a world that's everything I dreamed of. Well, except never being alone. I like having a bit of alone time. But still—

I'm sure you can still connect with people, but it's not the same, right? It's not like you remembered it.

His voice grows quieter, more sluggish.

"something missing... from the start. and now know why. was never meant... to be here. and so we end. little by little, in a foreign world... like a forest that once stood tall... but the sun is weak, and soil barren, and water wrong... others thrive... and we fade."

...well, there's a lot I could say, and a lot of advice I could give, but—

........I'm sorry. It's never easy to find a new way to live, even in plenty of circumstances where your old way of life is wiped away much less traumatically.

...

"no new way. we are... last. of our people. cycle... broken. and i... he... is gone, long gone."

...you know, you never seemed the sort to me to be that concerned about death.

Rather, I imagine—it's more something like dying alone?

I mean, did he seem to you the sort to be depressed out of his gotdamn mind.

"death... is always met alone."

He digs his hands into the sand, slowly at first, then deeper and deeper.

"but i would... a thousand times over... to save, everyone..."

I'm afraid that's not on offer very often. There's certainly... at least one circumstance, where I would do the same, but—there is little one can do to change the past.

There are plenty of things you can offer others around you, while you have the chance, other than your death, and plenty of people who would care very much for you to live in any way that you can.

oh wowee i lost this tag.

Birdity shakes his head, hands still tense, fingers digging into the sand of the beach.

"and if i cannot... live? only exist? would you still... bind me, to this world?"

Is there a difference? Between "living" and "existing"?

"it is the heart... that lives. and the body... that exists."

I think—if I'm understanding the way you mean it—

...maybe it will feel like just existing for a while. I don't know how long. But—the heart is resilient. With time, and care, and help—it can heal.

There's a sharper intake of breath from him.

"but not... whole. damaged. remembering, always... how things used to be... knowing they can never be the same... having to accept, cruelty and discord... a monstrous existence."

Levity heart game - Saturday session

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