. . . That's not something most people can do, anyway. For example, if Requiem-san came up to someone and said "I'm Requiem", that would not explain who she was.
Well, because we all have our legends attached to ourselves, of course - because we already lived and died.
But when I was alive, I didn't have that privilege either. Even now, not many people know anything about "Amakusa Shirou", and "Ruler" is even less of an understandable thing.
Saying "I wish someone could understand me just from my saying my name" is the same as saying, "I wish I was a celebrity". In that case, "Santa" is more of a household name than even "Angra Mainyu" is, you know?
"Mm. It's just... there's always been this one thing that defines me. So I guess I've been looking for a single other thing that could define me instead?
It sounds pretty stupid when we talk about it like that."
In the first place, the problem is that you can't live by that singular definition anymore, but if you had something else in addition to that singular defined thing, you could even still stay as an "avenger", you know?
[ a beat ]
Well, maybe not the class, though I have a feeling even that can be flexible in the modern day. That child also came from being an Avenger before she became Santa, after all.
I feel like I haven't given enough of an answer. . .
[ hm. automagically going out to pet his hair, considering for a moment ]
You know, when I said that you could be "Santa", I didn't think that it would be the only thing that would define you - I didn't think that it would be enough.
But, it can be the first step, you know? It can be the first thing that you have that isn't "Avenger" or "Angra Mainyu" or "Emiya Shirou". When you strip away all of those things, what remains after that . . .
[ huff ]
Of course it isn't going to be as robust as an identity - "All the World's Evil" is a concept as old as human civilization itself. From the very moment that humans were able to discern right from wrong, and established a system of morals, "All the World's Evil" came to be.
So, of course there isn't going to be a singular concept that is as strong as that. Of course the house you live in next will be a downgrade from living in the palace you inherited - but even still, even if it's a dingy shack, that can still be "yours". When you want to upgrade it, you can do that - whether by getting a different house or by building more with your own two hands.
You don't need to be satisfied with just this. One can say that the very desire to have more is the most primal instinct a human can have - such is why religions like Buddhism exists, for excising that desire is the equivalent of attaining a higher state of being, and even then, gods and Servants alike all have the desire for something more. If that was not the case, then we would not have a Holy Grail War.
. . . But even if you want more - even if you're not satisfied - that doesn't mean you don't have anything at all. Even if it's small, even if it's just a broom closet - it's enough to house "you", just for now. From this point on, you can be "Santa, as well as another thing", or you can discard being Santa entirely, once you find something you want to be more.
[ pursing his lips for a moment, before he says lightly - like a joke ]
I'll take care of you for the rest of your days, you know. After we leave Tokyo-F, I don't mind providing so you can be the homebody. If you're satisfied with that, then you can just say the word.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ hums, flopping onto the bed ]
But even if it isn't something that you're actively doing right now, it's still more than you can be than as an "Avenger", right?
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"Is that really enough?"
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. . . Well, are you satisfied with it?
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but ]
. . . That's not something most people can do, anyway. For example, if Requiem-san came up to someone and said "I'm Requiem", that would not explain who she was.
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But when I was alive, I didn't have that privilege either. Even now, not many people know anything about "Amakusa Shirou", and "Ruler" is even less of an understandable thing.
Saying "I wish someone could understand me just from my saying my name" is the same as saying, "I wish I was a celebrity". In that case, "Santa" is more of a household name than even "Angra Mainyu" is, you know?
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It sounds pretty stupid when we talk about it like that."
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[ a beat ]
Well, maybe not the class, though I have a feeling even that can be flexible in the modern day. That child also came from being an Avenger before she became Santa, after all.
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He sighs, frustrated, and flops on the bed.
"All this shit's just really complicated. You can move ahead, though."
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[ hm. automagically going out to pet his hair, considering for a moment ]
You know, when I said that you could be "Santa", I didn't think that it would be the only thing that would define you - I didn't think that it would be enough.
But, it can be the first step, you know? It can be the first thing that you have that isn't "Avenger" or "Angra Mainyu" or "Emiya Shirou". When you strip away all of those things, what remains after that . . .
[ huff ]
Of course it isn't going to be as robust as an identity - "All the World's Evil" is a concept as old as human civilization itself. From the very moment that humans were able to discern right from wrong, and established a system of morals, "All the World's Evil" came to be.
So, of course there isn't going to be a singular concept that is as strong as that. Of course the house you live in next will be a downgrade from living in the palace you inherited - but even still, even if it's a dingy shack, that can still be "yours". When you want to upgrade it, you can do that - whether by getting a different house or by building more with your own two hands.
You don't need to be satisfied with just this. One can say that the very desire to have more is the most primal instinct a human can have - such is why religions like Buddhism exists, for excising that desire is the equivalent of attaining a higher state of being, and even then, gods and Servants alike all have the desire for something more. If that was not the case, then we would not have a Holy Grail War.
. . . But even if you want more - even if you're not satisfied - that doesn't mean you don't have anything at all. Even if it's small, even if it's just a broom closet - it's enough to house "you", just for now. From this point on, you can be "Santa, as well as another thing", or you can discard being Santa entirely, once you find something you want to be more.
[ pursing his lips for a moment, before he says lightly - like a joke ]
"Ex-Santa, but now a househusband", for example.
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You know I'm taking everything you say here really seriously, right? You sure you wanna leave me with something like that?"
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I'll take care of you for the rest of your days, you know. After we leave Tokyo-F, I don't mind providing so you can be the homebody. If you're satisfied with that, then you can just say the word.
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"...Oh."
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. . . Only if you're satisfied with it, though. You can do anything you like, and I'll support you.
[ he dips down to give him a kiss, before he stands himself up ]
Now, which way am I going?
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There's a door next to the one you came in through. It definitely was not there before.
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let's go through ]
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